Comedic long monologue:

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am so excited to be here tonight, although I must say, I almost didn’t make it. You see, I got stuck in traffic on the way here. It was like being in a never-ending parade of angry drivers and honking horns. And let me tell you, there’s nothing quite like sitting in a car for hours on end to make you question your life choices.

But I digress. Tonight, I want to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind lately: the perils of modern technology. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love my smartphone as much as the next person. But have you ever stopped to think about how much it’s taken over our lives?

I mean, think about it. We’re constantly staring at our screens, checking our social media feeds, responding to emails, and playing Candy Crush. And for what? To feel connected to people we barely know? To prove to the world that we’re living our best lives? To distract ourselves from the crushing weight of our own mortality?

It’s madness, I tell you. And don’t even get me started on the so-called “smart” devices that are supposed to make our lives easier. Have you ever tried to set up a smart speaker, only to have it ignore your every command and play Nickelback on repeat?

Or how about those self-driving cars? Sure, they sound great in theory, but have you ever been stuck in traffic behind one of those things? It’s like being stuck behind a really slow, overly cautious grandparent who’s never driven before.

And let’s not forget about social media influencers. These are people who get paid thousands of dollars to post pictures of themselves holding a bottle of protein powder or wearing a swimsuit. Meanwhile, the rest of us are trying to figure out how to pay rent and feed ourselves.

But I don’t want to end on a negative note. After all, there are plenty of things to be thankful for in this world. Like pizza. And puppies. And that feeling you get when you finally find a parking spot in a crowded lot.

So let’s raise a glass to the absurdity of modern life, and all the joys and frustrations that come with it. Because as they say, laughter is the best medicine. And if that’s true, then I should be immune to every disease known to man.”


comedic long monologue:

“Alright, folks, let’s talk about the joys of getting older. You know what they say, with age comes wisdom, and with wisdom comes a greater understanding of just how little we actually know.

Take me, for example. I’m getting up there in years, and I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I knew what was important in life. But then I went to the grocery store the other day and I realized I had no idea what half the stuff in there even was.

I mean, have you seen some of these new products they’re selling these days? Chia seeds? Quinoa? What the hell is a quinoa? It sounds like something you catch when you’re swimming in a pond.

And then there’s the technology. I remember when I was a kid, a computer was this big clunky thing that took up an entire room. Now we’ve got these tiny little devices that can do everything from playing music to ordering pizza. And don’t even get me started on social media. When I was young, the only way to show someone you liked them was to pass them a note in class. Now you can just hit a button and send them a heart emoji. What kind of world is this?

But you know what? Despite all the confusion and chaos, I’m still happy to be here. I mean, sure, my knees ache and my memory’s not what it used to be, but at least I’ve got a sense of humor. And that, my friends, is worth its weight in gold.

So let’s raise a glass to getting older, and to all the new and exciting things that come with it. Just don’t ask me to explain what quinoa is.”